Oh My Wicked, Oh My Wicked, Valentine!

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Valentine’s Day has come to The Secret Circle, and you know what that means! Love is in the air and it’s making everyone nauseous. Time to binge on some heart-shaped chocolates, cry into an empty Kay Jewelry box, and pretend that Jake is your boyfriend. But don’t forget that romance is deadly in Chance Harbor, and not everyone makes it out of this episode with their guy-liner intact…

In honor of the holiday, Faye and Melissa place a girls only anti-Valentine’s Day slumber party for fellow witches Diana and Cassie. But the night gets wilder than expected as soon as Melissa offers Diana a number of mood altering “Devil’s Spirit” and the first person Diana loosens up to is Lee (ooo….Grey Damon!!), who crashes the party to assist Faye achieve her very own power. Meanwhile, Cassie is forced to show to Adam and Mack after she becomes haunted from the spirits of some vengeful witches.

Like most single ladies, the fem-witches of Chance Harbor hate Valentine’s Day. Especially Faye. But honestly, we don’t know what Faye’s complaining about. If we got to share a bed with Jake and his boxer-briefs, we’d be thrilled. BTW, For those of you who looked at Jake and wondered “boxers or briefs,” wonder no more!! After a morning of Armstrong-induced sextacy, Faye decides to give Cupid the middle finger by hosting a girly slumber party, complete with pillow-fights and experimental makeout sessions, and heads to school to invite the gals to her party, but Cassie interrupts their convo because she’s forgotten a book in her car. She frantically runs to the parking lot to find it, avoids Adam’s tearful questions about Valentine’s Day along the way, and then fails to notice that a creepy hooded figure is peeping on her. What the whaaa?

After school, Cassie heads down to the clubhouse basement clearly, her favorite hang spot, and this time, comes face-to-face with the ominous cape-man. Naturally, she screams hysterically and flails around until she runs into Adam, who tries his best to save the day. Adam skips downstairs with Cassie, and – not-so-surprisingly – they find the basement totally devoid of pervs.

Once she ditches Adam, Cassie rushes over to Jake’s house to ask about a strange symbol that she noticed on the figure’s robe, and he mentions that it’s the sign of the Nidaros Coven –– an ancient circle who died years ago. Oh,DAMN, Cassie’s totally being haunted by spirits living in her man-jewelry!

After a day of “studying”, Faye heads home to find Lee at her front door with a present from his travels. It’s only the most romantic gift ever: A terrifying voodoo stick with beaded eyes. *sigh* Someone loves crafting! Unfortunately, Diana accidentally breaks the stick while she’s unpacking her slumber party bag, and Faye is so pissed that Di and Melissa have to get high just to deal with her wrath.Definitely, somewhere Cupid is shaking his head in horror.

Now that Dilissa are blazed on Devil’s Spirit, first thing’s first: pizza. A true sleepover isn’t complete without greasy junk food, so the gang orders some grub and conjures up a spell to turn the delivery guy into a hottie. But who should show up instead? Lee! In her toked-up state, Diana promptly plants a kiss on his lips. Wait, why is Lee at Faye’s house? This party is supposed to be all about “feeling the rain on their skin” and worshiping Alanis Morisette, but boyfriend just wants to help Faye fix her broken voodoo doll. No big deal.

Once Lee leaves, Cassie joins the party (buzz kill alert!) and the fab four settle down for a fun night with a Ouija board. Let the games begin! Of course, talking to the dead is always better when a man-necklace is involved, so Cassie busts out her dad’s medallion and places it on the board, where it promptly spells the word “SACRED”. Sacred Witch? Sacred Coven? Sacred Circle? Sacred Jake Armstrong hook-up?

Welcome back to Isaac, who makes his triumphant return to town in order to warn Jake that Cassie’s medallion was used by Blackwell to kill the Nidaros clan. Turns out Cassie will die unless she gives up her “precious,” and Isaac wants the medallion for himself. Basically Isaac’s the Gollum to Cassie’s Frodo. DAMN I’m seriously ROFLMAO on my own imagination!

Jake drops by Faye’s house to warn Cass about the medallion, but unfortunately, she’s driving to Adam’s pad for a night of Arcade Fire mix-tapes. As Cassie heads down a deserted road, she passes a hooded figure who looks hauntingly like Darth Vader, only with cloth robes instead of metal ones – but it’s just another ghost meandering in a field. Unfortch, the medallion begins to death-grip Cassie just as she drives by this eerie figure, and she flips her car! Nooooo, Cassie! So, Jake and Adam drive to the middle of nowhere (witch GPS?!), find Cassie’s car abandoned on the side of the road, and tearfully realize that the Nidaros likely led her to the church where they were killed.

Cut to Cassie, who’s wandering around the forest in a snowstorm, trying to make contact with the random ghost people she’s befriended. These homies lead Cass to the “Sacred” Heart Church, where they proceed to surround her in the creepiest way ever. Well, don’t worry guys, because Adam has a switch blade! Of course, it turns out to be completely useless and he goes ahead and gets himself possessed. So. Much. Eyelash fluttering. Zombie Adam wanders toward Cassie, slitting his wrists and smiling like a crazy person in the process, while Jake feverishly yells for Cassie to stand her ground. So what does home girl do? She crushes the medallion in her hands and our beautiful angel Adam comes back into the world. RIP zombie Adam, see you in my fantasies later tonight…

After a long day of watching possessed hipsters cry, Jake heads over to meet Isaac and gives him what remains of the medallion. They have a bitter exchange about what Isaac really wants, and somehow we get the feeling that this isn’t the last we’ll see of Jake’s surrogate father. Meanwhile, Adam and Cassie head to the boathouse despite the fact that Adam’s wrists are slit, and they share an intimate kiss while we marvel at the fact that Adam put up a “Happy Valentine’s Day” banner. Oh, boyfriend!!

So how are Melissa and the gang doing? They’re totally high and having seizures. Yep, Melissa overdoses on “the herb,” which gives Faye and Diana a great opportunity to bond. Oh, and if you’re wondering about Faye’s voodoo doll, turns out Lee has an identical one which he’s secretly rubbing all up in his comatose girlfriend’s face. Is Lee stealing Faye’s powers?

Addict Verdict: Need some Valium to watch this “Valentine”, because the creepily boring creepiness is too much for my covenant brain!

Fix-Your-Eyes-On-Me Scene: The scene when Cassie goes all Claire-Bennet after her car tumbles, she gets out with not a single scratch on her, or maybe she’s really good at hiding it, which I highly doubt!

PS: If you’re worried about John Blackwell, don’t be, He’s currently lurking by a creek with a giant medallion-shaped burn on his hand. Hope to see your face next week, John!

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