And you thought whores made that much?!

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Tonight’s episode of Ringer was literally called “Whores Don’t Make That Much.” Sadly, that was going to be the title of my autobiography but I guess it’s already been taken. Great minds think alike, Ringer writers! Still, I love the fact that, that was not only the title but also a line on this series.

Whores Don’t Make That Much” finally gave viewers some of the answers they’ve been craving and at least one they never wanted to hear. Another Ringer episode, another shocking final moment. If there’s one thing that Ringer has gotten good at over its half season on our small screens, it’s pulling out the “OMG” twist ending. Last week we found out that Juliet, Tessa and Mr. Carpenter had “Wild Things”-d their way to millions. This week we find out that the whole plan was crafted by none other than the first Mrs. Martin. Bravo Ringer! Once again, I didn’t see that twist coming.

What I did see coming was the long, overly-involved back story of the death of Siobhan’s son Sean. From pretty much the pilot I called that Bridget had had some hand in the death of Siobhan’s son. I must say, in the grand scheme of things it’s a little underwhelming how small Bridget’s role in Sean’s death actually was. I get that the writers are trying to keep Bridget likable, but the flip-side is that Siobhan’s insane vendetta loses some of its juice.

I understand why she would be angry at Bridget for allowing her son to go out with his father, Dylan even against her express orders. But that accident was in no way the fault of anyone in the car. It seems a big leap from being angry over something terrible that you can’t change to switching identities in an elaborate play to kill your sister. Having Bridget really screw up and giving Siobhan a more legitimate reason to hate her would have gone a long way towards humanizing both sisters. Especially Siobhan, who is still in the mustache twirling super villain stage she’s been in since the pilot?

In real time, Henry shows up at Andrew’s office just as he and Malcolm are arriving. I think this is the first time all 3 male actors on this show have been in the same scene. Malcolm leaves but still eavesdrops on their conversation. Henry tells Andrew he wants to cash all his money out of the company.

Cut to Juliet’s public school and cue hip hop music. Wow, this show is so delicately produced. Tessa rolls up to school in a giant new SUV and of course Juliet freaks out. Random thought: Tessa is like a bootleg version of Alicia Silverstone but with really bad lip gloss. She hilariously admits to Juliet that she’s keeping all her money ($3 million) under her bed!!!  Then she walks away and literally says, “Back up, bitches.” The Writer’s Guild is just not honoring this show enough.

When Juliet points out to her how stupid this is Tessa refuses to listen. So Juliet calls up Mr. Carpenter, who read up on “How To Be Conspicuously Inconspicuous for Dummies” before popping on his sketchy sunglasses and baseball cap. I guess he wasn’t recognizable as Mr. Carpenter, but he certainly looked like a unibomber instead. Not exactly a look you want to be sporting in the “see something, say something” capital of the world while hanging out with an underage girl. When she tells him about Tessa he promises to take care of it. The next day she goes into school and finds out that Tessa has been beaten into a medically induced coma and all her “Wild Thingsmoney stolen from her under-the-bed bank. Ruh-roh!

Juliet goes to see Tessa in the hospital and gurl don’t look good. She actually kinda looks like Lisbeth Salander with the raccoon eyes in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Tessa’s foster mother is there and weirdly dressed like Mrs. Claus with white fur sleeves. And she seems to think that Tessa was dealing drugs. Says the trashy Mrs. Claus, “I thought maybe she was turning tricks but whores don’t make that much.” Brutes.

Juliet confronts Mr. Carpenter, who acts like this is the first he’s hearing of it. Did Mr. Carpenter really do it? Who knows! Probably not, because nothing is really like it first appears on Ringer. Perhaps it was Siobhan who did it, since she is behind about 95% of the evil happenings in Manhattan. The other 5% is the other crazy, blonde Mrs. Martin—Andrew’s ex-wife. She asks Andrew to consider sending Juliet to live with her in Miami and Andrew and Siobhan struggle with the decision. Why is Juliet’s booze-soaked mother taking a sudden interest in her wellbeing? Well, because she’s the one behind the “Wild Things” plot to begin with and knows her bratty daughter is now sitting on millions. Mother of the year award nominee right here.

What did you think of this week’s episode of Ringer? Did you enjoy the flashbacks? Think Mr. Carpenter really did it? Did the end shock you as much as it did me? Comments!

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