Oh, BTW, You’re an Idiot!

Just when I think the lies can’t get any bigger, Ringer goes and proves me wrong.

“P.S. You’re an Idiot” sends the morons on the run, spins new lies on top of the plethora already told and proves that the thief isn’t always who you think it will be. Read on:

Whenever twins turn up in Ringer you can be assured they will be double the trouble. So it is for Siobhan, when she learns that the father of her babies isn’t turtle-neck-enthusiast Henry like she hoped, but most likely Andrew. Isn’t it such a bummer when your husband turns out to be the father of your children?

Siobhan informs her lover, Henry of the twin development, but not the fatherhood issues – now he’s going to be twice as mad when he learns the truth! “Are you worried your husband is not the father?” Siobhan’s doc asks her at one point. “I’m worried he is,” she replies – I love you, Ringer.

Siobhan seems to be having the slightest of second thoughts about Andrew after this news, especially when she hears that he’s planning on tying the knot with her sister. Soon Siobhan is thrown into the misty water-colored memories of the way they were. Once upon a time, you see, Andrew and Siobhan were sort of in love. You can tell because Siobhan’s hair is down and when Siobhan is being evil her hair is always up, the better to contain her secrets.

On their wedding night, they immediately start arguing about having children with Siobhan on the nay and Andrew on the yay side. Foreshadowing! Andrew mentions that he saw the picture of the little boy in her jewelry box and instead of explaining about Sean, Siobhan gets all weird. I get that this is a show based on secrets and lies but does everything have to be a secret? She couldn’t have just said “that was my son that died?” These people really over-complicate their own lives.

Speaking of over-complicating, Bridget is trying to force down that tiny voice of conscience about all her lies to Andrew after he asks her to marry him with a ring pop, yes, a candy ring. She accepts, of course, but that little voice in her head keeps acting up. She’s starting to feel bad about how her relationship with Andrew is built on a bed of lies. So instead of facing the problem, she puts her hair up and tries scheming for a little while.

Meanwhile, Malcolm has gotten onto the trail of Martin-Charles. He tells Bridget that she can’t marry Andrew. I was expecting Malcolm to suddenly declare his love for her, but he instead tells her it would be a mistake to marry Andrew because he’s a crook. Whew! The last thing we need on Ringer is another overly complicated love triangle. Anyway, Malcolm then spends the whole episode skulking around after various people. He skulks with Henry. He skulks into Olivia’s office, stealing some info on a flash drive. He skulks his way to a backwater accountant’s office. Malcolm is going all “Tinker, Tailor, Solider, Spy” if all the characters in that movie were completely obvious about their spying. After following Olivia to the accountant’s I half expected him to pop out of the car while in her eye line and wave.

What did all of Malcolm’s skulking uncover? Well that Martin-Charles is Bernie Madoff-ing the company. It’s a Ponzi Scheme y’all! When Bridget sadly tells Andrew about how Olivia has gone behind his back with the scheme Andrew looks confused. This is mostly because he totally knows about the Ponzi scheme, since it was his idea. Well played Andrew! The British accent and soft puppy dog eyes always throw me off, but it’s nice to know there’s some evil under the surface after all.

What about the “Wild Things” plotline? Well it’s getting even wilder. When Juliet starts having second thoughts about the whole plan, it’s mommy dearest to the rescue. She tells Juliet that she’ll take care of Mr. Carpenter, who has been calling to harass her lately. And boy, does she ever take care of him. Sexually, that is. Turns out that Mr. Carpenter and the former Mrs. Martin were in on this plan all along. Is there anyone left who isn’t in on this “Wild Things” plot? Is it even a really good scheme if every other person on the show knows about it?

It turns out that Mrs. Martin is even more devious than we could have imagined though. First, she was behind Tessa’s beating. Then when Juliet sends a text threatening to tell her father about what happened, Mrs. Martin uses it as an excuse to double-cross Mr. Carpenter. While he’s in the shower she takes all the money he left lying conveniently on the bed and leaves behind a tape showing him laughing it up with Juliet and Tessa post courtroom meltdown. But don’t worry, mommy dearest left a note to tell Mr. Carpenter to leave Juliet alone and that he’s an idiot.

Now Carpenter’s on the run, Juliet is guilt ridden, Tessa’s still in a coma and the woman who put her there has millions. Catherine is so maliciously manipulative it’s scary. Next week, we’ll learn that she was involved in the Kennedy assassination.

Here are some highlights of this week’s episode that caught my eye:

– Hilarious Henry. He was so excited to be playing spy games with Siobhan that he looked like he wanted to fist pump after every successful plan. After he gives Bridget the box of Ponzi he was practically giggling to himself like a twelve-year-old girl reading “Twilight”. I hope this version of Henry never leaves.

–  Andrew is thinking about selling the penthouse, or at least downsizing. But what will become of the giant poster of Siobhan’s face? I hope they eventually end up in a loft and that poster ends up like floor to ceiling on one of the walls. *sigh*

Addict Verdict: FINALLY, we get to see the pre-evil side to Andrew! But, now, as the pyramid starts to fall: Who will jump free and who will get crushed by the rubble?

Fix-Your-Eyes-On-Me Scene: Catherine is unbelievable. She and Carpenter are naturally secret lovers – “You’re going to stop harassing my daughter… and start harassing me!” she gasps as they share a clinch. No, really, this actually happens. Watch out for that one!

And you thought whores made that much?!

Tonight’s episode of Ringer was literally called “Whores Don’t Make That Much.” Sadly, that was going to be the title of my autobiography but I guess it’s already been taken. Great minds think alike, Ringer writers! Still, I love the fact that, that was not only the title but also a line on this series.

“Whores Don’t Make That Much” finally gave viewers some of the answers they’ve been craving and at least one they never wanted to hear. Another Ringer episode, another shocking final moment. If there’s one thing that Ringer has gotten good at over its half season on our small screens, it’s pulling out the “OMG” twist ending. Last week we found out that Juliet, Tessa and Mr. Carpenter had “Wild Things”-d their way to millions. This week we find out that the whole plan was crafted by none other than the first Mrs. Martin. Bravo Ringer! Once again, I didn’t see that twist coming.

What I did see coming was the long, overly-involved back story of the death of Siobhan’s son Sean. From pretty much the pilot I called that Bridget had had some hand in the death of Siobhan’s son. I must say, in the grand scheme of things it’s a little underwhelming how small Bridget’s role in Sean’s death actually was. I get that the writers are trying to keep Bridget likable, but the flip-side is that Siobhan’s insane vendetta loses some of its juice.

I understand why she would be angry at Bridget for allowing her son to go out with his father, Dylan even against her express orders. But that accident was in no way the fault of anyone in the car. It seems a big leap from being angry over something terrible that you can’t change to switching identities in an elaborate play to kill your sister. Having Bridget really screw up and giving Siobhan a more legitimate reason to hate her would have gone a long way towards humanizing both sisters. Especially Siobhan, who is still in the mustache twirling super villain stage she’s been in since the pilot?

In real time, Henry shows up at Andrew’s office just as he and Malcolm are arriving. I think this is the first time all 3 male actors on this show have been in the same scene. Malcolm leaves but still eavesdrops on their conversation. Henry tells Andrew he wants to cash all his money out of the company.

Cut to Juliet’s public school and cue hip hop music. Wow, this show is so delicately produced. Tessa rolls up to school in a giant new SUV and of course Juliet freaks out. Random thought: Tessa is like a bootleg version of Alicia Silverstone but with really bad lip gloss. She hilariously admits to Juliet that she’s keeping all her money ($3 million) under her bed!!!  Then she walks away and literally says, “Back up, bitches.” The Writer’s Guild is just not honoring this show enough.

When Juliet points out to her how stupid this is Tessa refuses to listen. So Juliet calls up Mr. Carpenter, who read up on “How To Be Conspicuously Inconspicuous for Dummies” before popping on his sketchy sunglasses and baseball cap. I guess he wasn’t recognizable as Mr. Carpenter, but he certainly looked like a unibomber instead. Not exactly a look you want to be sporting in the “see something, say something” capital of the world while hanging out with an underage girl. When she tells him about Tessa he promises to take care of it. The next day she goes into school and finds out that Tessa has been beaten into a medically induced coma and all her “Wild Things”money stolen from her under-the-bed bank. Ruh-roh!

Juliet goes to see Tessa in the hospital and gurl don’t look good. She actually kinda looks like Lisbeth Salander with the raccoon eyes in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Tessa’s foster mother is there and weirdly dressed like Mrs. Claus with white fur sleeves. And she seems to think that Tessa was dealing drugs. Says the trashy Mrs. Claus, “I thought maybe she was turning tricks but whores don’t make that much.” Brutes.

Juliet confronts Mr. Carpenter, who acts like this is the first he’s hearing of it. Did Mr. Carpenter really do it? Who knows! Probably not, because nothing is really like it first appears on Ringer. Perhaps it was Siobhan who did it, since she is behind about 95% of the evil happenings in Manhattan. The other 5% is the other crazy, blonde Mrs. Martin—Andrew’s ex-wife. She asks Andrew to consider sending Juliet to live with her in Miami and Andrew and Siobhan struggle with the decision. Why is Juliet’s booze-soaked mother taking a sudden interest in her wellbeing? Well, because she’s the one behind the “Wild Things” plot to begin with and knows her bratty daughter is now sitting on millions. Mother of the year award nominee right here.

What did you think of this week’s episode of Ringer? Did you enjoy the flashbacks? Think Mr. Carpenter really did it? Did the end shock you as much as it did me? Comments!

When you’ve got this much cash, Why Cry?!

Can I just say wow? For once Ringer both impressed and surprised me. I did not see the reveal with Juliet and Mr. Carpenter coming. “It’s Easy To Cry When This Much Cash Is Involved” was easily one of the best episodes of the entire season, due in large part to how quickly the narrative began moving forward.

This Week… Bridget visits some of the last locations Siobhan visited before her ‘death’, while Henry is blackmailed by Olivia. Meanwhile, Juliet’s rape trial takes an unlikely (and baffling) twist…

Bridget followed the bread crumbs left behind by Siobhan and her trusty driver. Her driver totally believes her tale about how she’s recently sober (WHA??) and therefore can’t remember anything about her past actions or personality. He then proceeds to take her on a best of Siobhan’s evil scheme tour, bringing her first to an unnamed office. There Bridget picks up a key while Siobhan skulks around in her own closet, gun drawn, like a serial killer.

Next up, Bridget visits the shooting gallery where she discovers the connection between Gemma’s murderer John and Siobhan. This gets Bridget’s tiny brain to basically short-circuit itself as she realizes that John initially pretended not to know her.

Along the way she also stops by a hokey restaurant where you write your plot revelations on pieces of paper and then slip them into a table for eventual discovery. In the compartment Bridget finds the note that Siobhan left saying that she had tried to forgive her sister but couldn’t. Forgive her for what? Well there was a picture of Siobhan hugging a little boy on the desk in her secret lair, so I’m guessing that Bridget had something to do with the death of Siobhan’s son and it still holds some water.

While Bridget is snooping, Siobhan is busy juggling Tyler and Henry. Henry has a lot of feelings about how she’s been playing with him. In addition to lapping up Siobhan’s lies, Henry is being played by Andrew’s scheming business partner Olivia. Olivia bribes her way into business with the wealthy Tim Arbogast using a photo stolen from Henry’s phone of him and Siobhan in bed together. The offending picture, by the way, is from a third person’s perspective, with neither Henry or Siobhan behind the lens – probably best not to ask why a third person was snapping away during their intimate moments…

Henry probably should have consulted her first before he gave into Olivia’s blackmail and got Gemma’s poor trusting father to invest in Andrew’s company though. Why? Because those keys Siobhan steals back from Bridget open a box full of something very bad for Andrew. Something that will allow Siobhan to escape Andrew with all his precious money in tow. We don’t know what it is, because this is “Ringer” and they need a shock ending but Henry’s “OMG girl, are you serious?!” face says it’s pretty good.

But the most shocking twist of the episode was undoubtedly the turn in the Juliet storyline. As soon as I saw Juliet and Tessa rifling through the hotel mini-bar I said “Holy ‘Wild Things’!” Which was the exact second that Mr. Carpenter came strolling through the door with liquor for the underage girls. I didn’t think you had it in you Ringer but you legitimately surprised me! I have to admit, I did not see that one coming. Not even, when Mr. Carpenter counter-sued Andrew for defamation of character after Tessa’s teary confession that she faked her charges, unraveled Juliet’s whole case. I don’t know if I should be applauding this but kudos for shock-value need to be given when they are earned. Bravo Ringer. Even though I wasn’t convinced at first, by the end of this episode I completely believed that Juliet was raped by Mr. Carpenter. I thought Tessa’s corroboration and subsequent breakdown in the restroom were real too.

When Catherine and Bridget prodded Andrew to settle with Carpenter, I thought it was the wrong thing to do. At the very least I thought they should have spoken to Juliet about it. Now I see that wouldn’t have mattered.

No sign of Machado in the episode – presumably his investigation was going nowhere this week, not that that’s stopped Ringer from keeping up with him in the past. Malcolm is also absent for the second week running, though Bridget does leave him an answer phone message at one point, in order to deliver a batch of revealing exposition to the viewer…

What did you think of this week’s episode?  Were you shocked by the Juliet “Wild Things” twist? Will she be found out? Will the guilt eat her up or will the money keep her happy? What does Siobhan have on Andrew’s company? Will Siobhan continue to string both Henry and Tyler along?  And will Bridget ever figure out her sister’s not dead? And will all Hell break loose when Siobhan and Bridget finally face off? What’s your theory? Comment!!

Addict Verdict: “I thought the road would lead some answers, but, it only led to more questions!”, says Bridget and I agree with her. The episode might be quite baffling, but, we’re left with more questions!!

Fix-Your-Eyes-On-Me Scene: The letter Bridget finds left by Siobhan confessing that she wishes she could forgive her sister, but can’t! Definitely fix your eyes on that one!

I’ll tell you what I’m doing here, Ho-Bag!

I don’t know about you, but I personally think the episode title of this week’s “Ringer” is among the best episode titles to ever exist in the history of television. It is one those very rare shows that can work ‘ho-bag’ into an episode title.

This week, Juliet’s mother Catherine arrives in town, where she proceeds to wreak havoc on Andrew and Bridget’s relationship. Siobhan is unknowingly leaving clues behind for Bridget, and this time around the fake Siobhan decides to try to piece together the pieces that her sister left behind. Meanwhile, Henry discovers a lead that causes Agent Machado to think he is closing in on Bridget.

So because I was such a big fan, I waited all episode to hear what would prompt that infamous sentence. Would Bridget and Siobhan finally face off? Would it be Bridget finally losing her temper with Andrew’s first wife? Perhaps it would be Agent Pretty Eyes who would utter the phrase, finally pushed to his breaking point. I should have known that the show would make us wait the entire episode for that glorious line of dialogue. God bless you and your vocabulary Juliet. And I want to thank the writers of “Ringer” for creating such a great title that it almost overshadowed everything else in the episode.

From the moment she’s first glimpsed, sipping a glass of red wine while soaking in a bubble bath, Catherine is great fun. She’s a ridiculous cliché of a character – a soap opera uber-bitch who spouts lines like, “I’m having a funeral for my daughter – the slut!” – but she’s certainly entertaining. Catherine’s arrival also gives Bridget more to do than the usual sneaking-around-while-looking-concerned, “Juliet’s biggest problem in life is suffering through with your pathetic DNA!”, spits Bridget. Apparently Catherine viewed her child as a fun shopping partner but not much more, which led to a great bonding moment between Juliet and Bridget. “So, your Mom was a bitch too?” That one line brought them closer than all the hugs and heartfelt talks ever could.

Bridget continues to get ever closer to the trail Siobhan has unknowingly left behind for her. This week, Bridget decides to go all out “Veronica Mars” to try to put the pieces of her sister’s wacky life together. What also surprised me is how oddly competent Bridget has become since “Ringer” returned from its winter hiatus. Now she’s unknowingly closing in on her sister’s secrets with a level of intelligence I was just waiting to see. I mean she still blew things off relatively easy, like how the car company driver initially asked her if she was packing heat and only later offered up information about taking Siobhan to Wyoming. Who cares about the fact that Siobhan might also be mixed up in Bridget’s murder problems? Where was Siobhan going on a regular basis with a gun? Did I just miss that one? Is she part of a shooting club or does she just occasionally go out and murder hobos for the fun of it? With Siobhan anything is basically possible.

Speaking of big secrets being revealed, it looks like Henry finally knows that Siobhan and Bridget are both occupying the same city. Why did Siobhan show her hand now though? Does she have some plot that involves Henry, since it seems that she’s still keeping Tyler on the line back in Paris? I feel like the writers want us to feel something for Siobhan and Henry but all I feel is apathy.Oh, and he also learns that the real Siobhan is still pregnant with his child. For once, the gormless look on Henry’s face is justified. It’s a smart move, at this first season’s half-way point, to start moving the story forward – we’re intrigued to see what Henry will do with this new information..

In the other big storyline of the episode, Juliet’s mother comes to visit to support her during her teacher rape scandal. Her mother is a truly terrible person, so it looks like Andrew’s type is officially soulless blondes. Juliet’s principal makes a house call about the charges against Mr. Carpenter, explaining that they found a surveillance tape of Juliet hitting on Mr. Carpenter in a bad way. This, apparently, is going to taint the waters when it comes to Mr. Carpenter’s rape charges. Turns out that there’s video evidence showing Juliet hitting on Mr. Carpenter which seems to mean that Mr. Carpenter could never have raped Juliet because apparently she asked for it by flirting? WTF, Nicole Snyder? WTF Eric Charmelo?

“Every time you two get together, it’s combustible!” Andrew yells at Bridget and Catherine, and a few scenes later, he tosses his sozzled ex-wife out, throwing money at her for a hotel and yelling, “I don’t care if you’ve got a brain tumour – I want you out!” AMAZING.

From there things get a lot grosser and there’s a ton of victim-blaming because no one can ever imagine that a rape can occur after a girl hits on a guy. Juliet’s mother is the worst of the lot, calling her daughter a slut, questioning the rape and then burning baby pictures for dramatic effect. Juliet’s mother is the real ho-bag of the episode, yet Bridget somehow manages not to pull another “Buffy” and punch her in the face.

One character who’s drastically lacking in new information is Machado. At one point this week, he draws up bullet points on a notepad, compiling the information he’s uncovered so far, and it’s telling that he only manages about five sentences. Even traitorous agent Jimmy sticks the knife in when Machado visits him in prison, speaking for the viewer as he taunts, “You’re no closer to Bodaway Macawi than you were six months ago – it’s pathetic.”

As the episode ends the ho-bag in question finally appears: Juliet’s poor arch-nemesis, Tessa turns up at the apartment, claiming that she too was assaulted by ‘Mr C’ – it now appears that Carpenter may in fact be guilty or at the very least that there’s more to the case than meets the eye…

Overall, this week’s Ringer is a return to form after the somewhat mundane mid-season premiere. ‘What Are You Doing Here, Ho-Bag?’ is pleasingly silly with plenty of twists – see Henry and Machado both becoming briefly convinced that the real Siobhan is actually her twin – and a game-changing final twist.

Addict Verdict: Ringer is one crazy word jumble, and like any addictive game, I can’t stop trying to figure it out.

Duplicity Unparalleled!

For all the (dead) Ringers out there, who have absolutely no clue about this show, and its incredibility(…is that a word?!),
Here’s a little recap of what went down the last year,

Bridget Kelly escapes from witness protection on the eve of a big trial, in which she is the key witness, and meets up with her identical twin Siobhan Martin with whom she has been estranged for the last six years and find that their lives are both unraveling at the same time. Bridget, a recovering addict and ex-stripper, is on the run from the mob after witnessing a murder. She flees to her twin sister Siobhan’s home. The sisters seem to be repairing their broken relationship until Siobhan mysteriously disappears overboard during a boat trip the sisters take together. Bridget takes on Siobhan’s identity and soon discovers her sister’s seemingly perfect life is full of secrets, lies and deception, and far more complicated than she thought!

Sarah Michelle Gellar’s soapy CW drama returns for its first episode of 2012. ‘It Just Got Normal’ does its best to up the stakes even further for the show’s characters, but ultimately can’t help but feel like a disappointment.

This week on Ringer:

“It Just Got Normal” felt anything but fun, as Siobhan snuck around New York and stalked on her alter ego. How creepy was it to watch Siobhan sneak around her old apartment spying on her husband and sister??!? Takes being a Peeping Tom to a whole new level, won’t you say?! However, it must be quite disconcerting watching such a happy version of herself and Andrew. I’ll bet she never expected that when she faked her own death. That ring will surely cause trouble down the road. Did Siobhan simply take it out of spite or does she have a plan?

When they first sprung the story about Juliet and Mr. Carpenter last year I wasn’t a fan, but this episode made it a lot more interesting. I had wondered if Juliet was making the story up but now it looks like she was actually raped. Damn. Meanwhile, I loved Bridget punching the sleaze ball. I disagreed with Andrew, though. Any mother would have wanted to do far worse. Still, it was a good start.

There’s plenty of potential in relocating the character to New York, and this week it was great fun to watch her playing a very dangerous game – leading Henry up the garden path and even returning to her old apartment to scowl at her twin from behind a curtain. This W-H-A-T?!! is the kind of absurdity that Ringer does best.

And now that Siobhan’s no longer just a shadowy presence making sinister phone calls from a Paris hotel, she has to humanize her a little more. She displays genuine emotion when reunited with Henry and it seems that her feelings for him at least are genuine (Though Lord knows why -Kristoffer Polaha brings good looks to the part, but lacks charisma). Poor Henry must have felt like a damned yo-yo. Siobhan wanted him desperately while Bridget couldn’t get away from him quickly enough. Unfortunately, he didn’t know they were two different people. He was certainly getting jerked around.

Mädchen Amick’s addition to the Ringer cast is also welcome, particularly in the absence of Tara Summers’s Gemma (*SOB!!!*). Greer’s awkward dinner date with Bridget and Andrew in the opening scenes is great fun – full of veiled bitchiness. Her knowledge of Siobhan’s affair with Henry also complicates things for Bridget – a pleasing development.

When Ringer left us last December the plot felt murky and maudlin but tonight’s episode brought back some of the fun I had enjoyed from the start. So where do you think Juliet’s story is headed? How long can Siobhan wander around New York before somebody notices that she’s pregnant and what do you think she’s really going to tell Henry? We’ve got another week to try and figure it all out.

Addict Verdict: Too Normal, about time we spice things up a little! Don’t you think?!

Fix-Your-Eyes-On-Me-Scene: The scene with Bridget having a shower unaware that her twin, Siobhan is standing right behind her…*Major Goosebumps*